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When a tech says he's coming
right over, go for coffee. It's nothing to us to remember 27 screen saver
passwords.
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When you call us to have your
computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards,
baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle
art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch
a fleeting glimpse of yours.
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When tech support sends you
an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing out
the public groups.
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When a tech is eating lunch
at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out. We exist only to serve.
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When a tech is having a smoke
outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all
is to ferret out those clients who don't have e-mail or a telephone line.
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Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE.
The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
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When you call a tech's direct
line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of
town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before
you send an e-mail straight to the director because no one ever returned
your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
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When the photocopier doesn't
work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
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When you're getting a NO DIAL
TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from
here.
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When something's wrong with
your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and
no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
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When you have a tech on the
phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper.
We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves
talk.
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When we offer training on the
upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after
it is done.
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When the printer won't print,
re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into
black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
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Don't use online help. Online
help is for wimps.
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If you're taking night classes
in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers
for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime
money.
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When you have a tech fixing
your computer at a quarter past two, eat your lunch in his face.
We function better when slightly dizzy.
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Don't ever thank us. We're getting
paid for this.
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When a tech asks you whether
you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's
business what you've got on your computer.
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If the mouse cable keeps knocking
down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable
under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting
on top of them.
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If the space bar on your keyboard
doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very
happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
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When you get the message saying
"Are you sure?? click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell,
if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
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Feel perfectly free to say things
like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind
at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
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When you need to change the
toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is
an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it only
be performed by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in
nuclear physics.
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When something's the matter
with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We
enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know
jack shit about the problem.
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When you receive a 30-meg movie
file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space
on that mail server.
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Don't even think of breaking
large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance
to squeeze into the queue.
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When you bump into a tech in
the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We love working
on weekends.
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If your son is a student in
computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects
on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of
Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database
flip out.
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When you bring your own personal
home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home.
We'll find the jumper settings on the Internet.
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