A magazine recently ran
a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes
from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the
submissions...
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As of tomorrow, employees will
only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures
will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in
two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation
in Redmond, Washington.)
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What I need is a list of specific
unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
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E-mail is not to be used to
pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
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This project is so important,
we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.(Advertising/Marketing
manager, United Parcel Service)
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Doing it right is no excuse
for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem
in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
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My Boss spent the entire weekend
retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the
disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her
was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
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Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork
is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
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"How About Friday?" My sister
passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss,
he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of
the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
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"We know that communication
is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor AT&T Long Lines Division)
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We recently received a memo
from senior management saying:"This is to inform you that a memo will be
issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft,
Legal Affairs Division)
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One day my Boss asked me to
submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I
asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted
it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New
business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)
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Speaking the Same Language:
As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo
one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by
one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia)?
working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with
her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her,
he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo
to the entire staff came out - directing us that no words which could not
be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created
my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco
Bell Corporation)
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This gem is the closing paragraph
of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company
name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current
procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways
to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent
Technologies)
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