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Put a chair facing a printer,
sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
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Arrive at a meeting late, say
you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be
nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire
raw potatoes.
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Insist that your e-mail address
be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
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Every time someone asks you
to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
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Every time someone asks you
to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
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Send email to yourself engaging
yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's
products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the
disagreement.
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Page yourself over the intercom.
Don't disguise your voice.
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Name all your pens and insist
that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
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Come to work in your pajamas.
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Put a picture of your mother
on your business card.
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Find out where your boss shops
and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss
does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender
than you are.)
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Make up nicknames for all your
coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point,
Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree with
you there, Chachi."
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Suggest that beer be put in
the soda machine.
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Include a piece of your children's
artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If
you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
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Schedule meetings for 4:14 p.m..
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Encourage your colleagues to
join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
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Send email to the rest of the
company telling them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me,
I'll be in the bathroom."
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No matter what anyone asks you,
reply, "Okey-dokey."
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Put your garbage can on your
desk. Label it "IN."
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Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
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Grow mold in your coffee cup.
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Build models of the Seven Wonders
of the World using empty soda cans.
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Put on your headphones on whenever
the boss comes into the office.
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Talk in a loud voice. Remove
your headphones when he or she leaves.
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When in conversation, no matter
where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and
leave. Go get a coffee.
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Develop an unnatural fear of
staplers.
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Compose all your e-mail in rhyming
couplets.
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Install a set of buttons and
lights in the arm of your chair.
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Talk into your daytimer.
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"Hi-lite" your shoes.
Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.
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Organize a carpool. Go
to pick everyone up in a taxi.
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Hang mistletoe over your desk.
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Include a personal note on every
email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and
grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that
I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
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Bring in dishes that you tried
to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
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While sitting at your desk,
soak your fingers in Palmolive.
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Put up mosquito netting around
your cubicle.
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Decorate your office with pictures
of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
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Eat pizza 34 days in a row,
then at the next departmental meeting, scream, "There are children
starving in Italy!"
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For a relaxing break, get away
from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no
one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your
mouth.
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Send email messages saying free
pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom. When people complain that there
was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh, you've got to
be faster than that."
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Put decaf in the coffeemaker
for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions,
switch to espresso.
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