Practical Advice
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  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  • A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
  • It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
  • I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. 
  • I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
  • Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
  • If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
  • If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
  • It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
  • A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
  • Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:  the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is"group.
  • If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
  • This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
  • They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!
  • A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
  • Somewhere, over the rainbow...that's where the airline will find my luggage.
  • It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
  • Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
  • This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
  • Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
  • I've found a sure way to relieve office stress: Step 1: take a deep breath; Step 2: count to 10; Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.