Tech Support Call from Hell
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  • "Hello, Welch Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" 
  • "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." 
  • "What sort of trouble?" 
  • "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." 
  • "Went away?" 
  • "They disappeared." 
  • "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" 
  • "Nothing." 
  • "Nothing?" 
  • "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." 
  • "Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?" 
  • "How do I tell?" 
  • [Uh-Oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" 
  • "What's a sea prompt?" 
  • [Uh-huh. I thought so. Let's try a different tactic.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen." 
  • "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." 
  • [Ah, at least he/she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if he/she kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator? 
  • "What's a monitor?" 
  • "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.   Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" 
  • "I don't know." 
  • "Well, then look at the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" 
  • [Sound of rustling and jostling] [Muffled] "Yes, I think so." 
  • "Great! Follow the cord to the plug and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." 
  • [Pause] "Yes, it is." 
  • [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt he/she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor he/she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] 
  • "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cable plugged into the back of it, not just one?" 
  • "No." 
  • "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." 
  • [Muffled] "Okay, here it is." 
  • "Follow it for me and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." 
  • [Still muffled] "I can't reach it." 
  • "Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?" 
  • [Clear again] "No." 
  • "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" 
  • "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." 
  • "Dark?" 
  • "Yes - the office light is off and the only light I have is coming from the window." 
  • "Well, turn on the office light then." 
  • "I can't." 
  • "No? Why not?" 
  • "Because there's a power outage." 
  • [A power !@#$%^&*!?!"...AAAAAAAARGH!!!] "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff  your computer came in?" 
  • "Well, yes, I kept them in the closet." 
  • "Good! Go get them, unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." 
  • "Really? Is it that bad?" 
  • "Yes, I'm afraid it is." 
  • "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" 
    "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!!!"  [Slam]