-
Eagles may soar, but weasels
aren't sucked into jet engines.
-
If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
-
A conclusion is the place where
you got tired of thinking.
-
Experience is something you
don't get until just after you need it.
-
For every action, there is an
equal and opposite criticism.
-
He who hesitates is probably
right.
-
Never do card tricks for the
group you play poker with.
-
No one is listening until you
make a mistake.
-
Success always occurs in private,
and failure in full view.
-
The colder the X-ray table,
the more of your body is required on it.
-
The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread.
-
The severity of the itch is
proportional to the reach.
-
To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
-
To succeed in politics, it is
often necessary to rise above your principles.
-
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-
You never really learn to swear
until you learn to drive.
-
The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
-
Monday is an awful way to spend
1/7th of your life.
-
The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you'll have to catch up.
-
A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
-
If you must choose between two
evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-
Change is inevitable....except
from vending machines.
-
Don't sweat petty things....or
pet sweaty things.
-
A fool and his money are soon
partying.
-
Money can't buy love. But it
CAN rent a very close imitation.
-
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-
Always try to be modest. And
be damn proud of it!
-
If you think nobody cares about
you, try missing a couple of payments.
-
How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hands....
-
Attempt to get a new car for
your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
-
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but
at least it's the scenic route.
-
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
-
Everybody repeat after me....."We
are all individuals."
-
Death to all fanatics!
-
Guests who kill talk show hosts--On
the last Geraldo.
-
Love may be blind, but marriage
is a real eye-opener.
-
Bills travel through the mail
at twice the speed of checks.
-
Hard work pays off in the future.
Laziness pays off now.
-
Borrow money from pessimists--they
don't expect it back.
-
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
-
Half the people you know are
below average.
-
99 percent of lawyers give the
rest a bad name.
-
42.7 percent of all statistics
are made up on the spot.
-
A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel so good.
And finally ...
-
If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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